HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?
Subject Name: Christoph Strasser
Nation of Origin: Austria
Date of Birth: 11/04/1982
Height: 1.86 meters
Weight: 76 to 78 kilograms (depending on who is cooking).
Known Aliases: “Straps” “Chris”
Mode of Transportation: Specialized S-Works
Subject is a 29 year old male last seen traveling east of Blanchester, Ohio at approximately 20 mph. He was last seen wearing white and day-glow green cycling clothes with white shoes and a white cycling helmet. He is wanted for continued acts of excessive speed across multiple state lines. He is being pursued by a group of rivals made up of a Slovenian, an American, a fellow Austrian and another American. Subject is in the company of a group of foreign national traveling in a pair of mini-vans. These associates are known to play loud Euro Techno Pop over a loud speakers installed on their vans. They’ve also been known to invade local grocery establishments and empty these merchants of all fresh fruit, whole grain baked goods, tuna salad, and Camel cigarettes. They can be indentified by their unshaven appearance and obvious lack of adequate sleep.
Anyone knowing the whereabouts of Strasser or any of his associates should contact the occupants of the Mighty RAM Media 1 van. They would like to contact these individuals prior to the subject reaching the Appalachian Mountains.